Changes

Life is about changes, sounds classic, but nothing in this world would remain the same. We evolve, either backward or forward, for the better or for the worse, or for the meh-okay-fine. This post is about change, my personal growth, or whatever society wants to call this uncomfortable never-ending painful healing process.

2021 was very uncomfortably disturbing for me. I changed, a lot. 

I started to replenish myself; I relearn so many things about my identity and how I perceive myself and others. I am sitting in my Gender in IR class while writing this, and while multi-tasking while reading a post from Instagram, I found this:

The 'new you' will upset some people. They'll tell you they miss the 'old you'. When this happes, you'll wonder whether you made the right decision. You'l think to yourself, "Should I go back to the old me?..."

The answer is, I don't know. I don't like myself now as well as I don't like myself then. 

I think the problem is not by looking back or blaming myself for how 'different' I became. Rather start to accept me and all of the flaws I finally embrace.

I no longer look the same, talk the same, think the same, or even have the same favorite snacks, let alone how different my view of the world is. Do you know how frustrating it is to meet people from your past questioning your reality while also feeling bad that the version of you that they know has gone?

Can I blame my decision to study in Japan for this? Like how my parents blame themselves for being failed as parents by letting me get liberalized and westernized?

I fell in love, and I got hurt; I trusted, and I got betrayed. 

I lost the sense of genuinity and it's killing me. I am no longer me, so who am I?

I am not a good friend, nor a good partner, let alone a good daughter. 

Why is it so hard to convince my fuck*d up head that I too deserve to be loved and accepted just the way I am? 

Komentar

Posting Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

Antidote of Happiness

I am sitting in my friend's fwb's living room, sitting on the sofa I will use as my bed tonight. This place has a big window that faces the ocean, right where his ship is floating. There he is, serving his country abroad, the great axis, the majestic military power of America. And here I am, sitting like an old rotten depressed apple, starting to get some mold. I do not even know what I am writing tbh, I just do. I just finished my crying session. I came a long way (3 hours, to be exact) to this city just for him to turn his airplane mode on, not wanting to see me. Pathetic, I know. But here I am writing, with overwhelming feelings; disappointment, regret, anger, shame, and brainlessness.  My parents called right when I was on the train, angry, because I have been ignoring them and the people that have helped me to be the person I am, meanwhile, here I am, pursuing people that do not even care about me. I do not even understand myself anymore, I hate myself, in fact. How could ...
Baca selengkapnya

Lakon

72 tahun.  Kemerdekaan telah disandangkan pada bumi pertiwi tepat pada tanggal 17 Agustus tahun 1945.  Putra putri bangsa telah berjuang dengan segenap kegigihan dan perjuangan yang tercatat oleh sejarah.  Pahlawan bumi putra telah banyak yang pulang dan gugur sebagai bunga bangsa, yang keharumannya abadi hingga nanti. Merdeka. Kian hari kian surut teriakan itu. Padahal, dalam perjuangan untuk mendapatkannya, banyak pemuda bangsa yang harus gugur dan berkorban jiwa raga. Banyak, bahkan anak cucunya kini tak dapat mengenalinya karena sibuk berkutat dengan amunisi-amunisi penjajah baru. Penjajah intelektual yang mengkikis semangat juang penerus bangsa. Tapi, tentu sejarah adalah sesuatu yang harus diingat dan diambil hikmahnya, bukan? Aku, Ita Nurjanah. Pemudi bangsa yang lahir di tanah Jakarta. Pahlawan pancasila dan agama. Kini, tugasku adalah memilih, mau jadi tokoh pergerakan kemerdekaan yang manakah dirku? Sulit. Namun, jika harus memilih, aku ing...
Baca selengkapnya

Perbedaan Sejarah, Mitos, Legenda, dan Sastra

Apa itu sejarah? Apa bedanya dengan legenda, mitos, dan sastra? Pertama-tama, mari kita lihat pengertian-pengertian di atas menurut KBBI Sejarah :   asal-usul (keturunan) silsilah;   kejadian dan peristiwa yang benar-benar terjadi pada masa lampau; riwayat; tambo:  cerita --;   pengetahuan atau uraian tentang peristiwa dan kejadian yang benar-benar terjadi dalam masa lampau; ilmu sejarah; Mitos :  cerita suatu bangsa tentang dewa dan pahlawan zaman dahulu, mengandung penafsiran tentang asal-usul semesta alam, manusia, dan bangsa tersebut mengandung arti mendalam yang diungkapkan dengan cara gaib; Legenda :  cerita rakyat pada zaman dahulu yang ada hubungannya dengan peristiwa sejarah; Sastra :  bahasa (kata-kata, gaya bahasa) yang dipakai dalam kitab-kitab (bukan bahasa sehari-hari);  kesusastraan;   kitab suci Hindu; kitab ilmu pengetahuan;   kitab; pustaka; primbon (berisi ramalan, hitungan, dan...
Baca selengkapnya