Punya Ita

I am sitting in my friend's fwb's living room, sitting on the sofa I will use as my bed tonight. This place has a big window that faces the ocean, right where his ship is floating. There he is, serving his country abroad, the great axis, the majestic military power of America. And here I am, sitting like an old rotten depressed apple, starting to get some mold. I do not even know what I am writing tbh, I just do. I just finished my crying session. I came a long way (3 hours, to be exact) to this city just for him to turn his airplane mode on, not wanting to see me. Pathetic, I know. But here I am writing, with overwhelming feelings; disappointment, regret, anger, shame, and brainlessness.  My parents called right when I was on the train, angry, because I have been ignoring them and the people that have helped me to be the person I am, meanwhile, here I am, pursuing people that do not even care about me. I do not even understand myself anymore, I hate myself, in fact. How could ...

Life is about changes, sounds classic, but nothing in this world would remain the same. We evolve, either backward or forward, for the better or for the worse, or for the meh-okay-fine. This post is about change, my personal growth, or whatever society wants to call this uncomfortable never-ending painful healing process. 2021 was very uncomfortably disturbing for me. I changed, a lot.  I started to replenish myself; I relearn so many things about my identity and how I perceive myself and others. I am sitting in my Gender in IR class while writing this, and while multi-tasking while reading a post from Instagram, I found this: The 'new you' will upset some people. They'll tell you they miss the 'old you'. When this happes, you'll wonder whether you made the right decision. You'l think to yourself, "Should I go back to the old me?..." The answer is, I don't know. I don't like myself now as well as I don't like myself then.  I think the p...

Never have I expected to outgrow you. Nor ever once the thought of you leaving would become a dream come true. It was true, I loved you. Or, just like my psychologist said, it was never you in the first place. Maybe, and I quote, "I just love the idea that I created about you." I let you go, Boo. I let go of my selfishness, I let go of my anger, I let go of my unmeet desires.  It was never been easy to move forward, not when you left me with such a deep wound. I finish my grievance. I chose peace within myself. The idea of you would always fill the void inside me. The holes that were not there, yet now you left it empty. I was never incomplete, Boo. You did not complete me, I am complete, and always am. Yet trapped in a lengthy complicated cognitive dissonance. I blame your apathy, your logical fallacies, and your egos. I was grossed with the reality that I never needed you.  I thanked you a lot in the past, yet appreciation was never your choice. I would stop thanking you, m...

Coldness.blanket.larva.procastinate. Ah, you forget  to turn off the light.

Out of the plan nothing can remain deep inside, no more pain roaring like a hard rain and heart, no more interminable plain King, let the empire win end is just another start that begins irridiculously harmonising no disguise, love is real! January 14th, 2020 happy learning!

And here it comes, a suffocating end sitting on the toilet and let the tissue grappling eyes, tears breaks the heart apart when our hands can no longer touched. Crowds might consider us as a fairy tale but as you said, it is more likely a fan fiction than a tale, fresh and just too dreamy for the beginners even when it comes to exceeding the borders. Winter is too cold for our barefootness like the dishes that refused to wash itself but your hands Fighting against the freeze, arguing land or sea but here it comes, an airport the sign for goodbye. Can you please play one more lullaby? 12th January 2019, no longer under the blanket and your hug.

Distances sing a song about an overwhelming soul Hours act as a rhythm; keep it as an unsung haul Melodies bring us together from 2 different horizon We start the very beginning chapter of us by hello Then take a little step to each other ways No good morning, No evening, 'cause the sun is about moving I may speak as an afraid human being But the language of friendship could sound more shivering Evening and night distinguish a life Lunch and dinner for the different hunger zone Smart and weirdo may define the unreal definition, bro Food and history; 2 hours wasted in a call, silly! Time slip and split And when the holiday is run to end We know the unmeet of a closeness will always lie in ours It's the time to say Ahoj! and Hello again for tomorrow. for the deep ocean eyes; a very far away friend (don't laugh, ok?!) August 1st, 2019